I got baptized there, had first communion and confirmation, got married at St. Mary’s. More recently, I decided I’d do yoga on Sundays, because I figured God doesn’t mind if instead of sitting, kneeling, and standing, I had the same thoughts about the universe while I get in a nice stretch.
My family would all would pile in a tiny yellow Honda. We would usually show up 10 or so minutes late, all 9 of us, pour in through the special Ciampa side door. Back then, it was the kind of church that said, “That’s okay, they’re kids, we understand. They won’t be silent and still the whole time,” We were never disruptive, but we were definitely not completely silent and completely attentive. And when my whole family goes to church together today, we’re the same way. It’s who we are. Never rude, never disrespectful, but frequently sidetracked. Who can resist laughing at how the lady in the huge pink hat in the pew over sings hymns all opera-style and vibrato? No one in my family.
My whole family reunited at St. Mary’s church yesterday for my twin nieces’ baptism, and it was just like old times, until after the mass when Father Barnes, a brand new priest just a few years older than me, went batshit crazy. Lost his priestly marbles.
The Priest on a Better Day. Now imagine steam coming out of his ears, spit flying out of his mouth, and angry lazerbeams shooting out of his eyeballs!
I’ll admit: I don’t love church. Historically, it’s the sitting still that I dislike, but more recently it’s the bullshit they are covering up, the church’s view that women’s bodies are not entirely their own. I also disagree on how certain churches decide to spend money (i.e. huge Jesus statues built with flammable materials,) But this is for a baptism, so I decided I would go.
When I got there, I looked around and noticed how different the church was since I’d been last. The congregation was a bunch of zombies, repeating words back to the altar in monotone, singing absolutely joylessly. They might as well have been saying “We have to repeat things, God is good, later we’ll get donuts, we wish we slept in....” Just joyless.
And in my family we’re different. We’re more like “Yeah the Lord is risen! Woooo!” We’re a little more, “Hooray for God! And for our family! Where are we in this book - where’s the hymn? Page whaaaa? Oh, I like those shoes, are they new? Right! Right...shhhh....we’re in church! Hooray for God!”
So we stood out, as a family, to the priest. In fact, halfway through the mass, the assistant, or the VP Priest, I don’t know what you call him....the JV priest was coming toward us down the aisle. He walked toward us, and sat directly in the pew behind my family, and more specifically directly behind me.
He then started praying very loudly, right in my ear, just shouting prayers, “IT IS RIGHT TO GIVE THANKS AND PRAISE.” Almost a rude volume to pray in, really. God was probably replying soothingly to him, “Hey now, you. Hey there. I hear you, I can hear you - no need to yell. Okay, okay, there now.”
I figured it out. The Head priest on the altar sent JV priest our way to keep us in order, to chaperon us! Which was amusing, because we were by no means loud, we were just “Oh look at the babies foot, so tiny, I’m reaching over the pew now, because I cannot resist grabbing that baby foot!”
Maybe we exchanged looks at during certain church songs we have our own parodies for. But we were keeping up with the ritual - kneel stand sit, kneel stand sit. We paid attention, in our way.
During the part of the mass called the gifts, the head priest stopped and looked right at our family, and said, to a congregation of about 400, “This is the most holy part of the mass, so please refrain from joking and fooling around I see over there.”
That is right everybody. The Ciampas were all called out on being expressive and reacting to life in church. Meanwhile, no change in the rest of the congregation: “We’re still zooooombies. We love God. And braaaaains.”
Here's the best part:
After the mass ends, my family is getting ready for the baptism. I stand with my Mom and husband, and a few of my sisters are off getting the babies ready to get ready for the holy dunking.
I see the head priest, whom I had never met, come toward us, (not the JV-loud-prayer, but the Head Coach.) He comes down the aisle toward me and stops, and stands right in front of me. And he goes “Um, have you ever been to church before?”
I reply with a smile, “Yes. I was baptized here. My family’s been going here since the early 1970s-”
I want to explain how I was married there 7 years earlier, but alas, that Priest cut me off.
“Okay,” he says, and I noticed some snippiness here, “Because just so you know, you are the most rude, disruptive, loud, inappropriate person I have ever seen!”
I say nothing. The priest is getting mad. This man of God starts shooting fire and brimstone out of his ears. I know better than to cut him off. This is gold.
He continues, in a louder voice, even more angry, “People come here to pray! You’ve been disrespectful to the lord, to the people here, TO ME!”
Hmmmm....I feel like I've seen something like this before. A white dude with a microphone in front of hundreds of people getting angry when people didn’t give him their full and undivided attention....where have I seen this?
I say nothing, deciding to let him continue digging his hole, knowing it must be getting hot down there.
When a priest is yelling at you in public are you’re a comedian, it’s Fucking Awesome. It’s something that you don’t specifically wish for, but you just live your life, wishing for something LIKE it. But when it happens, and while it’s happening, all you can think is “Wow. This priest is so angry, and he’s directing all that anger at ME. I can’t wait to get onstage later and tell everyone. This. Is. Great.” It’s absolutely, and wonderfully, and cosmically, a gift from God.
Of course, that’s the opposite reaction Mr. Very Important Man with a Microphone wants. His goal is to intimidate, incite shame for not acting the way he perceives is the “right” way to act in church, but all he gets from me is a wide authentic smile. That just makes him more angry. He continues his holy rant.
“How dare you condescend to me! How dare you stand there with that smug look!” These are all verbatim. I have never been called "smug", I never thought of myself as "smug", but why not? Sure. I'm smug.
And the JV priest is standing at the ready, probably thinking, “Uh oh, Coach is real mad...reeeaaaal mad. I might have to hold him back...”
I think, “Holy shit! This priest might just hit me in the face - I might get a priestly punch! How awesome would that be?!”
He then asks, furiously, spit flying, “Do you apologize for your behavior?”
My mother and sister apologize on my behalf countless times, “Yes, Father! Sorry Father! Oh, we’re so sorry Father!”
I, however, keep quiet. I recognize all his anger is not for me; he so obviously wants an apology from elsewhere - maybe his parents, maybe God, maybe the people at Dunks who made his coffee that morning. So I just keep smiling and keep my mouth shut.
Which prompted further puffy-red-face-spit-flying-eyes-crossed fuming, “You better not be planning on staying for the baptism!! You are disrespectful, smug, condescending...blah! blah!”
After a while, all I heard was, “I'm not sure of my emotions at any given moment! I don’t feel attractive in my robe today! I need to get laid- after all, I am only human! I have gas!”
In my head, I was thinking, “You’d be treating me a little differently, perhaps I’d get a little more respect, if I was a 7 year old boy.” I didn’t say that, although hilarious, because, really, why dredge up something so horrible? Also, I wanted to make sure he said all he needed to say. He seemed quite chock full of words.
The whole interaction between me and Priesty is eyes-locked. He is working just so hard to use his meanest priest stare to make me feel something other than the overall amusement at being yelled at by a man about my age throwing a tantrum because not everyone in the congregation listened to 100% of what he had to say that day.
It became a staring match.
Me, as I perceive myself: A lady at church with her family for a Baptism.
VERSUS
Him, as he perceives himself - A very important man (A man who won “Priest of the year award”) with a lot of important responsibilities, more important than anyone else there, honestly.
He walked slowly away from me, not taking his eyes off mine, trying with all his holy might to intimidate. I couldn’t get my smile to fade if I tried. I couldn't wait to get on stage later that night.
So now the family gets ready for the baptism, even though we have established that the priest hates me, has singled me out for some reason, in a whole family of mildly expressive Italians.
A few minutes pass, and the baptism begins.
“And now, can the godparents come forward to the front pew?” Mean Priest asked.
I step forward, because he didn’t know this, but:
I’m a Godmother.
He sees me step forward. His face falls. I continue smiling.
I take an oath promising to do all the things a Godmother must do, help teach the baby certain things - there are lots of words the church uses*, but overall, here is what I hear: “Be a good person, be kind, spread peace, communicate with others with respect.” And I agree to do that. A man in a robe who has made the ultimate show of disrespect just moments earlier asks me if I will do this, and I agree to it.
The babies are baptized, and they are adorable children of God now. Phew! No risk of burning in hell for them anymore.
My family and I take pictures in various combination in front of the altar, in front of the Madonna, holding the babies, enjoying our time together.
I look around, wondering if maybe Mr. MeanPriest would like a photo opp with us. I see him scurrying out, away from me and my family, tail between his legs.
I feel bad I didn’t get a chance to say, “I forgive you for your anger, your rude communication style, your attempt at ruining an beautiful momentous day in the lives of my sister, my two baby nieces, everyone else in the church who was there to see your childish tantrum. Hey! To quote from something we both know! - ‘I forgive you for your trespasses!’”
I'll write it in my letter to the Archdiosese of Boston and to the Pope. I forgive that mean dude, and I don't care that he directed his anger about his life toward me, but I'm sure that future recipients of his poor attitude may not fare so well.
So I'll work on learning more about why this angry award-winning priest man is in a position of power, and I'll keep you updated...
Posts
41 comments:
Good yucks. Thanks. It brings to mind Proverbs 15:1 about a soft answer turning away wrath.
The egos of clerics (and more than just Roman Catholic priests) can be stunning. "Me. Me. Pay attention to me. I'm the God guy."
I hope you see him on the street and keep giving him the big grin.
That dude needs to learn to meditate and see the Buddha nature of the Ciampas.
Funny, but... it kind of sounds like your behavior at Mass was inappropriate. Isn't it fair to have expectations that you are quiet and respectful of the other worshippers at Mass, even if you judge them to be zombies? Would your family feel free to behave the way they did at an orchestral concert, because that's the way they are?
I agree that confronting your family and you, in particular, was out of line. But I think maybe you're missing a piece of Christian charity yourself, in not being able to see it from his point of view at all, and from the points of view of those around you.
The other thing is, as a Godmother you weren't agreeing to “Be a good person, be kind, spread peace, communicate with others with respect.” A godparent's job description is to help raise the child in the Church- to teach him or her the faith, and to be a good example of what life in the Church looks like. Like, going to Mass. I'm not judging you, just telling you what it is that you really agreed to.
The Church is a mess. No one can debate that. The priest was angry, and should have handled himself better. I'm sorry your experience of the Church wasn't perfect. But I don't think, based on your story, that it was all the priest's fault.
Honestly, if you don't take the content of the mass seriously, if you're looking at a "baby foot" and not interested in the theology, the belief that got you out of bed that early in the first place, than maybe you were in the wrong place. If you were stuck there for family reasons, maybe you could have still been a little more respectful of those around you--"zombies" or not, they were the majority of the congregation, and they were there (ostensibly) to worship, not to hang out. Should I walk into a yoga class, park myself in the middle of the studio and start munching on a meatball sub? Should I bring a ghetto blaster to a poetry reading 'cause "I-gotta-be-me?" It seems like you have a twinge of animousity toward church that you might not take with you into every organized function you attend, at least I'd HOPE not.
Look, if you can't stand church, don't attend. While the clergy handled this in a less-tha-stellar way, that's no reason to take DELIGHT in getting passive-agressive on a guy who devotes his entire life to worshipping the God he believes in and caring for the spiritual needs of the congregation. Perhaps that book they keep in the racks behind the pews might be of some guidance, and if not, why not head straight to brunch and drop the hypocrisy?
I was at that Mass. Your behaviour was obvious to people in the back of the congregation. Church is 45 minutes long, at most. Grow up and act like an adult.
Father B has dedicated his life to this. He's not perfect, but it's clear that he's trying his best. An apology would have been preferable to passive aggressive nonsense.
This is too bad, because I always thought of you as a funny, personable and smart woman. Now, I would not be caught dead going to one of your shows.
I am always amazed at people who insist on putting a face on God, I allow you to have your bearded man, why can't I have the universe? Agreeing to teach the babies to “Be a good person, be kind, spread peace, communicate with others with respect.” is EXACTLY what you are agreeing to. That aside, Maria, CHEERS to you. My family is almost an exact replica of yours in size and sound. Baptisms are the only thing that brings me back to that church as well; I have my own ways of staying spiritual. Everything you described, we do, from kissing babies feet to being wildly entertained by big hats. This guy was obviously having a bad day, and anyone having a bad day does not reserve the right to berate another human. Even a priest, in fact, ESPECIALLY a priest. I am in awe of your display; I would have found it difficult not to put him in his place. Good on you, and thanks for the laughs, you are a joy.
Isn't the point of Mass for the community to gather in the joyful presence of the Lord? Was it the being joyful part that got you in trouble? This was a baptism, not a funeral.
When the ritual becomes more important than the spiritual and the communal, then the entire point of faith is lost.
Wow. So much to say, but so little time this morning. I'll be back, though. --Dives
Knowing Maria, I can’t imagine that her behavior was really that inappropriate. She is a good friend, and I’ve only ever seen her treat people with the utmost respect.
What would Jesus do? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t flip out on someone who came to His house to listen to stories about stuff He did – regardless of whether or not that person remained pin-drop silent. Had the priest thought she was acting out of line, perhaps instead he could have simply asked – “would you mind quieting down?”
I, too, am a Godmother, a duty I take very seriously. However, if the requirements of being a Godmother are to sit there and not say a word after being aggressively chastised in front of an entire congregation, then I should resign my title as well. I think keeping mum in a situation where you felt that you have been wronged is what has caused the Catholic church so many problems in the first place.
Describing an uncomfortable incident in a hilarious way is not being passive-aggressive. It’s being awesome. Perhaps we should all “turn the other cheek” and have a giggle once in a while.
Lastly, in regard to Anonymous#3’s comments. How un-American can you be putting the letter “u” (ref: “behaviour”) where it doesn’t belong? I don’t think you want someone of this caliber at your shows anyway.
Maria, you rock. Keep up the GW. :)
Wow. I have always been afraid of getting in trouble at church, impressed at how you handled your self. I doubt there was any need for name calling and dressing down, but it shows you how small and terrified people can be to hold onto their power and authority. I can't imagine any priest I grew up with ever exploding like that. I can't imagine that you were anywhere near as disruptive as I have seen people be at mass (Thursday night service at my catholic college was filled with drunk business majors fufilling obligations to their mothers, that is a disruptive crew)..
Perhaps this could be a teaching moment for this priest? I would find it easy to relish in his over the top reaction too, but, if he had approached me privately and with respect and asked me to modify my manner of worship, I probably would have been mortified.
I was debating whether or not to get my baby baptized, but, reading this, I think I will just go for the u.u. naming ceremony..
I was there too, you looked like you were all enjoying the brand new additions to the family, twins! Thats sad that the priest was too selfish and angry to realize that it was a celebration of love and new life that brought you all together.
Ciampa's in church! Spreading peace, love and laughter since 1969.
Breathe now Maria.....the writing sounds just like you told the story Sunday! I'm still pissed. Now I'm mad at anonymouuuus. NO CHURCH LEADER SHOULD EVAH SPEAK TO ANY OF US IN THAT MANNER, EVAH! He definately needs to say a few rosaries;)and call you and the family to appologise. I still don't know how you and Justin kept yourselves "quiet". Can't wait to hear if the church responds to your complaint. Bet they ignore you.
As I said in comment 4, the clergy's behavior is less-than-stellar, and certainly not in accordance with Scripture (which, while some readers aren't concerned with that, the priest SHOULD be).
Unfortunately for the author, she has no control over the priest's behavior--she only has control over her own. Several commenters seem to think that the Priest's inappopriate response somehow excuses behavior that's arguably disrespectful. Certainly, her possible disruption during the service isn't nearly as awful as the Priest's reaction, but is being just a bit less awful than the other guy really something to strive for?
The Bible (which I'll deem appropriate to mention since this happened in a church and not Wallmart) instructs us toturn the other cheek if somebody slaps you in the face. It also tells us that if somebody makes you walk a milewith them, walk with them two. The New Testament makes constant reference to forgiveness and willingness to remain gentle and kind in the face of people trying to persecute you. Even if Scripture isn't your thing, I believe that the secular world refers to this as "BEING THE BIGGER PERSON." Priest or atheist, any well-adjusted person would agree that that's the decent way to behave.
Sorry about the misspellings in my above post--guess I've spent too much time in Cambridge to remember how to spell "Walmart" correctly. Yikes.
Some people here, seemingly anonymous, have strong opinions on this topic without any idea of what really took place.
Here are some facts that you can use for determining what might have caused the priest to lose his head:
One of the twins had 2 godmothers. I don't think he liked that idea from the beginning.
Maria, one of her sisters, and I showed up about 5 minutes late. Many other people from our baptism party also showed up after we had gotten there. The parents of the twins were even later. I'll bet he didn't like that either. People were traveling from all over to get there.
The priest was glaring at me from the moment we arrived. I mean, focused only on me and staring red-faced and angry at me. I felt totally unwelcome. During an appropriate moment, when people were standing, we moved to where our nearby family was seated. From there on his glares were at Maria as well and his face still full of rage.
Maria was quiet but simply distracted which might be perceived as not being attentive. She was playing with the twin babies toes and silently giggling with her sister. I even sat between them to keep them from being distracted as the priest was glaring in our direction. To say she was disruptive is way off the mark. I was next to them and heard every word the priest said and not a word from Maria during the mass.
It is easy to post anonymous opinions when others are openly sharing their views.
So anonymous people, tell me how she was disruptive to you (if you were there). Otherwise, you are simply taking a fully biased view.
Maybe someday I can have a chat with him outside of church about how rude, disrespectful, uninviting and condescending he was to me and especially to my wife. This was clearly a power trip for him and I had to allow him to insult my wife while standing right next to her. If not for the baptism of our nieces, he would not have had the chance to finish his attack of insults.
That NEVER happens.
I'm still in shock at the priest's behavior. Where's the love?
Annoymous sounds like a typical hypocritical parishoner of the Roman Catholic church. Please pray for the priest and Annoymous as they don't know how to behave as loving, joyous and peaceful people.
Ps. Pray for Annoymous so that they can find a dictionary.
Yes, that would be the christian thing to do. Haha, annoymous!
To be fair, T, there are multiple anonymous people here.
To the one that wouldn't be caught dead at a comedy show:
Good because you'd ruin the vibe...by being dead.
To the meatball sub at yoga:
Idiotic comparison based on your assumption that she was indeed disruptive to any significant extent. Try to tone down your "beliefs" until you have all the facts. I know it is against the nature of religion but it is essential to communication.
and hypocrisy?:
Really, you may want to rethink your viewpoint from both sides since you really have all the info you need to form an opinion that isn't ignorant or hypocritical. Seriously.
Ok, done. Back to spreading good vibes since that is what we do...
Justin, you chide the commentators for leaving remarks without knowing what happened, but if you read Maria's narrative closely the evidence is right there.
>>Oh, I like those shoes, are they new? Right! Right...shhhh....we’re in church!>>
obviously an awareness of disruptive behavior. You admit about everyone coming in late to Mass, that is also disruptive.
I am not sure why we should doubt the words of the anon. commentator when those worse actually corroborate what you both admit. Even if they did not jibe, my sense is that there it is as likely that the anon person is being truthful as the comic!
John, Maria and I have obviously provided detail of the situation to the point that we are showing both sides. We have clearly not left anything out so there is no need to question the facts that were presented. I was asking how the anonymous parishioner felt disrupted. You are now basically starting a debate on what exactly qualifies as disruptive.
Coming in late can be somewhat disruptive. It happens at every mass and we were very polite and discreet about our entrance as I had described.
The shoe discussion is an example of the type of thing they may have discussed at one point in time, not exactly what they did discuss that mass. Notice it is a brief conversation ending in shhhh. A recognition of needing to return their focus. Also, as I had said, they were quiet with whatever they had whispered. I was with them and heard no one other than the priest.
This was never an argument about whose side is the right one. Obviously some people will immediately just take one side or the other (especially when religion is involved).
She may not have been conforming to the attentive, somber, robotic, frowning social norms of the room but she was not disruptive to the the mass beyond what was described.
If that is considered disruptive, then we can just differ on that definition in this context.
The main issue is one related to communication.
Did Maria's family deserve to be called out in front of the congregation, even if you feel that they were disruptive enough for your definition?
Did the priest, who is also a fellow human being from planet Earth, have the right to insult Maria while projecting hypocrisy? (I say projecting hypocrisy because he told her she was disrespectful, condescending, and
rude while insulting her)
Let's not just take a side and argue without seeing the reality. A failure in communication is what got us to this point to begin with. There is no side to take other than that of peace and love to your fellow man and woman.
We can have a civil dialogue and discuss if we listen and respond objectively to any issue.
I love this post and the outrage you've caused. Please keep us posted on your complaints to the diocese.
I have seen some seriously bad behavior from authority figures in my day and this surely qualifies. It sounds like that priest was out of control. Being visibly outraged and emotionally volatile and giving a person a public dressing down may be what we all want to do when we feel upset, but anyone who wants to be taken seriously knows that the price of these kind of outbursts is their credibility as a civil adult. You did a good job, Maria. I don't know if I could have remained as placid as you while being yelled at in a church.
I have seen some seriously bad behavior from authority figures in my day and this surely qualifies. It sounds like that priest was out of control. Being visibly outraged and emotionally volatile and giving a person a public dressing down may be what we all want to do when we feel upset, but anyone who wants to be taken seriously knows that the price of these kind of outbursts is their credibility as a civil adult. You did a good job, Maria. I don't know if I could have remained as placid as you while being yelled at in a church.
Maria,
It's clear that you have many friends who will defend your position...your husband leading the way. I will not be back to this site to read his petty criticisms of my writing.
I doubt that many of Father Barnes' friends will see this blog.
I was also at 10:30 mass.
Although your behavior was disturbing,it was during the consecration that it was clear that you wanted some attention.
It is very obvious from this writing that you are very very angry. Your blog ridicules the church's teachings,but worse...insults Father Barnes on a very personal level, alluding to pedophilia and mocking his celibacy. It is vile and cruel.
I hope when you write your letter to the archdiocese you include a copy of this posting, so that Cardinal Sean knows exactly what he's dealing with. Better still. I've printed a copy and will be sending it along on your behalf.
Get with the program anonymous. I never corrected your grammar.
Do you know that this is a comedian's blog? Every topic is fair game in terms of joking remarks.
Please do go away if you are unable to have a logical discussion based in reality. You would be doing everyone a favor.
If you decide to return, please check your info before "defending" your position.
Bottom line here: Maria silently allowed a priest, who is expected to set examples, to insult her and to disrespect me and our family.
The fact that that actually happened is rather humorous. This blog is all about comedy. How did you find your way here in the first place?
This is a perfect example of why the Catholic Church is a dying institution which the faithful are abandoning in droves. Unlike Protestants whose attendance has remained steady, Catholics have seen a drastic decline in weekly attendance. This is due to the exact thing Maria describes here – an attitude that is condescending, negative, and out of step with modern life. Add to that Clergy Sex Abuse Scandal and the fact that with the economic downturn, most working class people have less to give to charities – and it is no wonder the Catholic endowment and membership is at historic lows.
Considering this, Baptismal Sundays should be seen as an opportunity to make a positive impression on potential new parishioners. Like an open house, this is a chance to put your best foot forward and show why your parish is a positive, upbeat, progressive place for worship. A priest presiding over a mass on a Baptismal Sunday should embrace this as his chance to win over a whole group of new visitors…not use it as an opportunity to flex his might with negative comments and typical Catholic “scare tactics”
I was born into an Irish/Italian Catholic family in East Boston (doesn’t get any more devout that that Father) and was christened, received first communion and confirmation as a Catholic at St Lazarus. However, over years of negative reinforcement and seeing the church as ruling through “fear” instead of “love” – I withdrew. Stories like the one Maria expressed reinforce the fact that I know I made the right decision.
I was done with “religion” and believed more in a “spiritual” relationship with God – until recently when I found the Grace Chapel in Lexington, a non denominational, Evangelical Christian Church. At Grace, I found a place full of positive, non-judgmental people who are happy to see me with all my flaws and misgivings, and helped me to see a new way towards finding inner peace and God – far from the authoritarian, autocratic vibe of what I had known as the Catholic Church.
There are many wonderful people in the Catholic Church, and the Priest in question in this blog posting may very well be a great and caring person who was just having a bad day. Maria may have been laughing a bit too much, and traffic might have caused them to arrive a few minutes late. But as I said, with the current state of things – I would think the people at St Mary’s in Beverly should be going OUT OF THEIR WAY to try and bring in new people and make their parish the most welcoming and comfortable place around. Sounds like they are still operating from that old familiar “holier than thou” place that is going to see them as extinct as the dinosaurs.
Paul Dailey
Beverly, MA
Quick question to the anonymous person:
Why are you posting anonymously?
We are all openly sharing our thoughts freely as actual people in society. We have nothing to hide. Maybe you do. Maybe you know us or our families and don't want create issues. I don't know. Either way, it weakens your position and makes it seem as if you are coming from a place of fear, which makes sense in the context of the discussion. It is just a discussion though.
It would be much easier for me to post my thoughts anonymously too but I don't feel it is an honest way of communication. Just curious.
Hllarious!!
"I know better than to cut him off. This is gold."
I just read through people's comments: even funnier!!!
this is hysterical. It was even funnier seeing it live at stand up sundays at improv boston! I went to church my whole life and if I knew that this kind of stuff went down I think I'd still go. I don't know whats funnier the blog or the postings of all the anonymous people. yikes. Keep up the funny!
Anonymous - how many letters did you send to the archdiocese about priests fucking kids? I'm probably wrong, but I'm going to go ahead and guess none.
But yet a comedian writing a disrespectful blog gets your quill a-moving. Interesting priorities.
Also, let's not forget that Maria is really hot. I mean, it has nothing to do with the story. But I'm just saying. Va-va-va-voooom!
Your story was very entertaining, I can’t imagine the joy you got as a comedian when this was unfolding before your eyes. I went to St. Mary’s and several other Churches in or around Beverly when I grew up, we jumped around to find the Priest we liked the most which would be the one that either had a sense of humor or got us out of there the fastest (I‘m not pretending to be a good Catholic). After listening to how your family “behaved” in Church it reminded me of my most fond memory and you have inspired me to share it. I really relate to your comments about the lady in the big pink hat who sings her ass off. One of things that got me through a lot of services was people watching and finding something to focus on that made me laugh and then point it out to my mother. My father would glare at my mother and I because we would be uncontrollable. We went to St. Mary of the Annunciation in Danvers, MA for a period of time and I found my muse.
He was a man of about 35-40 years old, went to the same Mass that we did on Sunday morning. Quiet guy, stood, kneeled, sat and repeated but he had the most amazing problem. His ass aggressively ate any of the pants he chose to wear to Mass. It didn’t matter if they were tight, baggy, relaxed fit, etc…that flat white boy ass couldn’t get enough of his pants. From that point on I had found a real reason to look forward to spending an hour and a half with the Lord. We would show up and I would quickly survey the congregation from the back and then direct my mother and father to the pew directly behind the man we lovingly referred to as “The Wedgy Man”. We would sit down and wait for the procession signaling the beginning of the Mass and as everyone stood I would look at my mother and nudge her and she would look in front of us and see a pair of pants struggling to free itself and you knew they were struggling because of the size and the amount of the creases around the butt crack. My mother would hit me realizing I had set this all up and then we would both start laughing, trying to hold it in but letting out a lot of pffft sounds as laughter tried to escape us. My father would stare at us out of the sides of his eyes completely embarrassed and trying to ignore the two retahds he was forced to sit with due to blood relation. He would never crack a smile, not once, but each week he always let me pick the seat we sat in.
God bless you Maria, you and your family should continue to celebrate your religion. I appreciate the love your family shares during your celebration.
Anonymous is going to get a A+ from God for sending in a copy of the blog. I am sure.
This blog is hilarious. Church is stupid.
I'm only anonymous here so it shows up in the headline of my comment and because I want this comment to be lumped in with the other ignorant comments from the anonymatti.
-TPJ
While reading, I imagined Maria singing her responses to the Priest while wearing a huge grin. Then when the Priest flips on her, Maria's family is like "no, you don't understand Father, she lost her ability to speak, she can only sing", or "haven't you heard Father? it's Opera Day". If this ever happens again, try using the singing option, because you never know, everyone MIGHT just have a good laugh. (might)
Maria- you never cease to amaze me with your wit and humor. This isn't the first complaint I have heard, nor the second, about this particular head priest. For example, he would not even think of letting my little brother get married at St. Mary's because, Casey and his fiance....live together. Granted, they are living in sin, and even though 21 straight years of catholic schooling and $$$$$ tuition$$$$ down the drain between the two of them, they thought the church would be ok with their actions. God forbid, in an era where the divorce rate is more than 50%, these two decide to move in together, to see if it will really work, and he immediately gets up and opens the door on them. However, I wonder if a murderer, who had said his penance, came in with his fiance,if Coach Barnes would marry them, pending they didn't live together. So much for love one another as I have loved you. You can't fault the Ciampa's chutzpah for life and family, and although some things can be considered inappropriate, get over it. Its no different than the 20 babies crying. I bet if you put a fat Benjamin Franklin near him, he would be just fine.
Keep on rockin Maria, and congrats on being a Godmother. Remember, we aren't here for a long time, but a good time. I'll see you at a show soon!
Hello, what wonderful timing. The church has just kicked off its ad campaign to bring people back to the fold. I attended church religiously (aha) for the first twenty-five years of my life. I didn't want church to be a rote or mundane exercise, so I went from parish to parish trying to to find a priest that spoke from the heart and had something relevant and timely to share with the parish and with me. I got fed up with the pompous, pedantic (fill in the last P as my alliteration may offend those with virgin ears), priests that I encountered. Be it a priest or Judge or parish communicant, there are ways to express displeasure with someone other than by public humiliation. Although in the 18th century, I hear that was all the rage. Rage, aha. What a perfect opportunity for the Church to reach out and mend wounds caused by one of its brethren. I await the fine father to reach out to one of his flock. Perhaps it could start with the Priest of the year, 2010. Or, maybe he is just one of those pompous, pedantic, chickens**t types. Prove me wrong Padre
This was hysterical and the comments wonderful as well! You guys should check out the "lower churches"...my mom's a methodist minister and she looks for those who are joyful and present and haven't just sent their Stepford counterparts! The god(dess) loves laughter and celebration and family! Your restraint was more than I might have had but as you said the material just got better and better. Cant wait to catch a show...thanks for the smile
Fabulous! truly. May this give you years of comedic material. And really, you should invite the priest to a show. Why not? Maybe the Women in Comedy Festival...
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