America Eats Shit and Dies

AP Newswire, April 20, 2010 - In breaking news, Doctors all over the US are reporting that Americans are eating shit and dying at an alarming rate.

Says Dr. Caccavaro of Boston's MGH, "I've never seen so much shit being consumed by Americans. The amount of shit eaten today compared to the amount of shit in years past is just unfathomable. My patients are eating large quantities of shit and dying on a daily basis."

Patient Phil McFatterson, interviewed on-site at KFC and recently diagnosed with diabetes and heart disease, expressed surprise at the state of his health. "I knew I was fat and I knew I ate shit, but I didn't know that meant I was gonna die, you know? I just thought it was, um...a...figure of speech."

McFatterson said his next endeavors include flying a kite and fucking himself. "The Doc says I have maybe 6 months, unless I change the way I eat. That's not going to happen, so I figure I'll use that time to fuck myself as much as possible."

Although Americans spend millions of dollars annually on diets, their addiction to eating shit and dying remains strong. Former Weight Watchers member Marlene Dickerson of Cranston, RI says "The allure of all the shit I couldn't eat while on Weight Watchers was too much to resist."

During the interview, Marlene suffered two minor heart attacks, yet persevered, finishing an entire box of Cinnabons. "I'm not dead yet!" she yelled, the signature white Cinnabon frosting coating her chin.

Dr. Caccavaro in shock.

There remains a small segment of the US population that eats foods that are not classified as "shit", and who seem to be outliving their shit-eating peers. Healthy kindergarten teacher Missy Buckley said, "Lots of people ask me how I do it. I tell them I don't eat all that much shit, and I walk around."

When asked where she walks around, she answered, "Around. I just walk places...I don't just sit there on my fat ass and stuff my face with shit like a lazy shit." Ms. Buckley's students nodded in agreement at her official statement.

Miss Buckley with her agreeable kindergartners.

Veterinarian Dr. McDoodle says American's choices to eat shit is even affecting their pets. "Historically, the dogs I see literally eat their own shit, which is normal canine activity. However, dogs are now eating typical American fare, which, in terms of nutritional content, is much, much worse than dog shit."

A dog who has fallen victim to eating shit.

Nutritionist Patty Green concurs with Dr. McDoodle, adding, "When we use the slang that Americans are "eating shit", it's actually a euphemism. The nutritional content of say, a burger and fries is much lower than most dog shit."

So what is an average American to do? Simply switch they type of shit they currently eat? Actually, yes, say most experts. "Any switch away from the current fast food, greasy, salty, sugary, meat-based diet is preferable to the current one," says Dr. Caccavaro. "If I see another patient eat this same old shit and die on me...I don't know what I'll do. Probably slap that shit-eating grin right off their faces."